A Sunday crisis !

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Today is Sunday. I am in Ubud in Bali. This morning, I had planned to go to Extatic Dance at the Yogabarn. I really wanted to try ! I was also thinking that it was certainly a wonderful approach to connect the mind, the heart and the body.

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But things did not happened as planned. During my meditation time I felt very negative, with so many thoughts about the past and the future. So many thoughts about planning the future. I was telling to myself : « You don’t need to worry about this now, you’ll think about it later, now it’s just about being present. »

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It was totally useless, I could not control the process. And I was judging myself because I was not able to stop my thinking.

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I felt tiredness and sadness. I felt I was fed-up with so many things – which rarely happens to me.

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Last week-end I participated to the Oneness Awakening training.

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It is a 2 days spiritual training from the Oneness University in India.

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The two founders, Sri Amma and Sri Bhagavan, have the purpose to help human beings becoming totally free. What do they mean by « free » ? Their main focus is about understanding that we create our own inner suffering through the way we perceive the external world.

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The whole program is very powerful in terms of learning, realizations and experiences. I will now share with you about one moment which was particularly impactful for me.

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We did a meditation about Inner integrity.

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It is a guided meditation that leads us to explore how truthful we are to ourselves. How authentic we are.

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I used to see myself as a very authentic person, very true to myself.

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Then, I travelled for a long time.

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And little by little, I understood that I was far from being that authentic !

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I discovered all the little lies I was telling myself to create the great story about who I am and what I am doing. I started to discover the difference between the true self I did not totally accept, and the person I wanted to be, and the fake way I tried to be this perfect person.

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I opened my eyes and saw all the efficient strategies of the ego who wants me to compare myself to others, and wants me to be perfect, always.

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I could feel how I was impacted by what others thought about me.

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I understood that there were many negative emotions I was feeling, while I was pretending not to be affected by them.

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Aïe aïe aïe. It was quite hard to understand and accept all that. It is a process.

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In the same time, all my experiences and readings helped me a lot.

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I understood that human beings are intrinsically made of Light AND Shadow. I learnt that the only way to be happy is to find balance, through accepting and loving the « Shadow » inside of me. I understood that judging myself would never be of any help.

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But it is still hard.

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And I cried a lot during this meditation.

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I could fully acknowledge how faking, lying, pretending I could be. As much towards myself, as towards others – one implying the other.

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At some point of the meditation, Punnu, who was guiding it, said with a loud and deep voice :

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« But we are just perfect as we are ! ».

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And I cried even more. Because I could feel the immense power of the unconditional love and acceptance of oneself. And in the same time it I know that even if I try, it is so hard.

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What is very important for me is that before leaving Paris, I was not really aware of this lack of inner integrity and authenticity. I guess my life did not really allow me to become aware of it.

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So I felt grateful for this journey that led me to this awakening.

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Being aware of it is such a huge first step.

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This morning, I really felt something strange and new was happening.

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I was feeling so negative, about everything. I started thinking : « I am fed up about this, about behaving like that… ».

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I decided to lay on my bed and let all these feelings, emotions exist.

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I felt that it was an important moment, because it was a moment of authentic rebellion of my true inner self.

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My true self was speaking to me and I could feel anger, frustration, impatience, tiredness.

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Now I have understood that for years, my usual strategy to deal with these small daily emotions has been to pretend they did not exist, or accept them very quickly (« because I am so adaptable, flexible », of course !), or transform them magically, and then come back to my very enthusiastic and optimistic self.

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But where do these emotions go, when they are not properly listened to, taken care of ?

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So this morning, in my bed, my inner voice started talking to me about all the things I was fed-up with – and it was not so easy to accept all this negativity at first !

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Soon, I felt that it was important to let them go out properly, and that there would be a lot of them.

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So I decided to write all of them, I took my notebook and my pen. I needed to write them.

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« I am fed-up with being perfect. I am fed-up with trying to be perfect. I am fed-up with smiling, today I don’t want to smile. I am fed up with having too many ideas and then to transform barely 10% in reality. I am fed-up with starting one thousand things and finishing only a few. I am fed-up with wanting to do too many things. I am fed-up with being alone. I am fed-up with deciding about everything alone. I am fed-up with not knowing what I want to do. I am fed-up with not being able to drive a motorbike. I am fed-up with answering politely no to all the taxi drivers on the road who ask me « taxi ? ». I want to say **** leave me alone do I look like I need a taxi ?!! I am fed-up with traveling. And in the same time I want to be a digital nomad. I am fed-up with my contradictions. I am fed-up with being stressed about money. I am fed-up with the antz and mosquitos. I am fed-up with the heat and with having to put sunblock everytime I go out. I am fed-up with judging myself. I am fed-up with being so fast and so impatient. Etc. »

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Here are some of them.

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Waou. Me, angry. This is quite rare.

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All this needed to be expressed.

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I decided that I did not want to go to Extatic Dance.

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I decided that I wanted a day off.

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I decided I wanted to stay in my bed doing nothing for hours.

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Now I feel much better.

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The negativity is gone. I feel happy that I allowed myself to be so negative ! One little big step on the path of accepting the Shadow parts inside of me.

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I feel that little by little, I learn to be authentic, I allow myself to be more authentic. I have discovered a new meaning of authenticity. The real authenticity. For the first time last week-end, I thought about Inner integrity.

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There is still quite some work to do, but I am walking in the right direction.

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And the good news is that we do not have to struggle against the parts of us we don’t like. The way to heal ourselves, the path to our happiness is about learning to accept and love them.

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