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Today is November 24th 2016 – my first Thanksgiving in the US.

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Hello, friends. Welcome to the last article of the lifelab project.

Humm ! It took me… more than 3 months to actually publish this last article – which was ready since last July.

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My mother was telling me : « Julia, it would be great if you could publish your last article, now that you are moving on.»

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I wanted. I knew I should. I could not.

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There was obviously some resistance.

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And now I feel that the lifelab project is really behind me, it is over, it is a journey that I am ready to transcend and include in the ever-changing person I am.

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I feel that until now, the mourning process was not over. And now I feel ready and strong to officially close the adventure.

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So, here is the text I wrote almost 4 months ago.

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July 31st, 2016.

Today is a very important day. Today is the last day of the last month of my sabbatical year.

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It is a day to sit and and reflect and feel.

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So I am sitting. Sitting in a café on Chestnut Street, in the Marina, in San Francisco.

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Wow.

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I feel dizzy and moved.

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A deep breath.

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12 months, 365 days, in this journey of exploration.

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Geographically, I can say I have travelled and lived in 11 countries.

France, Romania, South Korea, Hong Kong, Laos, the Philippines, India, the Philippines again, Singapore, Bali, India, France, San Francisco, Belgium, San Francisco.

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In each place, I have special memories. Each place is a journey in itself.

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Chaotic-organic-spontaneously :

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I swam with dolphins, talked to strangers, wandered among ancient sacred temples, shared thousands of smiles, walked in the streets with cows and chickens, was offered a magic stone for my birthday, wrote pages and pages in my journal, got lost in markets, had conversations that suspended time, did a shiatsu workshop (and met a woman and friend who transformed my life), got lost in the dark, enjoyed the delight of music.

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I ran a motorbike for the fist time of my life, laughed and cried, cooked unknown vegetables, danced, trusted unknown people, admired colorful fishes for endless hours, listened to Zen buddhist teachings, had to see doctors who did not speak english, mastered the art of street negotiation, hugged wild trees, gave myself the time to take the time, lived in a former monastery transformed into an intentional community.

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I spent extatic hours and days on seas and rivers, saw thousands of Buddhas, got lost, had showers with a bucket, walked, walked, walked, had a tarot reading with a disciple of Osho, was fascinated by the magic of luminescent plankton, took dozens of tuktuks, lived in an enchanted farm, saw hundreds of wondrous rice paddies, rode an elephant, met entrepreneurs who change the world, wore mostly the same clothes for 7 months, went through a wide range of healing sessions.

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I dreamed in a castle, was matcha tea crazy, was offered the archetype of a fierce angel, broke my glasses in the darkness of a garden, experienced a miracle in a pyramid, improved money, ran coaching experiments in amazing settings, celebrated Christmas and New Years Eve in the kitschiest way, encountered my coaching community, got mosquito bites, looked at the clouds, celebrated love, digital nomaded, got a chakra activation baptism in cold water.

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(my sister !)

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I carried all along the way a heavy medical kit that was mostly useless, played darts, met spiritual guides who shared priceless wisdom with me, hold a giant snake, bought a love potion, had coconut water overdose, nurtured beautiful friendships, travelled in the past, hacked the classes of a Korean startup incubator.

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I was blessed with holy water by a young priestess, was found by my coaching clients, discover medaqi (mix of meditation, dance and qi gong), unexpectedly spent hours birdwatching, became a Deeksha blessing giver, read books with bliss, swam in waterfalls.

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I explored. I was the embodiment of curiosity and experimentation. I witnessed so many possibilities of seing the world and being in the world.

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The most powerful journey was my inner journey. The invisible and subtle one.

My body found a new way of being in the world too. I took different and new actions. The world was different, and I created a new world and slowly slowly, there was a transformation at all levels. The mind, the heart, the body, the soul.

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I started traveling the longest distance in the world : the distance between the head and the heart. And I can tell, this is radical unlearning.

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…(a painting by a sacred wild woman I hold in my heart)

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I slowed down. I became present. I cultivated peaceful passionate openness.

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It took me 4 months to accept to let go of my habits of planning and controlling. Fully accepting not to know what would happen, and starting to actually enjoy it.

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I finally fell in love with the present moment. I experienced a new dimension of what it means to me to be alive. Entering the realm of feeling and sensing. And I fell in love with being alive, embracing fragility, welcoming the unknown. I measured the sacredness of each moment. I felt how it felt to be more here, to be more free, to choose more.

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I connected to my inner knowing, to my inner power (I did not really know it existed, before).

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I developed my ability to be in the world in a more peaceful and trustful way. I got rid of many fears. I developed an inner sense of safety and security.

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I have understood and practiced the idea that I was the only one person responsible for my life and happiness.

I was alone, and I had to learn how to choose, and decide, and take care of me. I discovered how to know what is right for me, at each moment. Sometimes it is about saying yes, and sometimes no.

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I developed my understanding of what a journey on earth as a human being is about : exploring, learning, healing, and contributing to others and the world thanks to our unique precious gifts. Enjoying each step of the path.

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I decided to follow the joy and passion that enlightened my heart, in spite of my fears of being judged, of doing something that may seem « useless ». I surrendered to the calling of my soul. My whole being – cognitive curiosity, sense of passion in my heart, energy of my body – was telling me the truth.

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(How come I had never learnt that before ?)

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Far away from home and on my own, I discovered how I had been living my whole life mainly according to what I perceived that I was expected to do as someone respectable and lovable in this world.

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My social mask became more and more visible to me.

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So I have learnt to care less about what others think about me, and I have began to act from my inner power and confidence, from the understanding of my intrinsic worth as a human being on a journey of learning and contribution on earth – failure and judgment become much less of a drama.

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I have embraced the idea of my singularity, focused on my strengths, accepted how I could be different, decided to make an asset of it instead of worrying about it – and I have noticed that this is very freeing for the people around me too.

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I have learnt to negotiate with my rational mind and ego who want me to control and be safe. I have learnt to be more gentle and kind to myself. I have learnt to discern more about my limiting beliefs – I have regular conversations with my Inner Critic.

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Yes, I feel free and responsible.

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But there is more to that.

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I feel that I have become much more human.

Human, in my infinite power and bright light on the one hand, and total chaos and deep vulnerability on the other hand.

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I have spent 12 months with myself, moving around and going through so many experiences. I have had plenty of time to observe myself in all these situations. I have had plenty of time to identify the personality I have built to be acceptable, lovable, and successful in the social world. And from that point, I’ve had plenty of time to connect to another level of being that tells me who I am at a deeper level. What touches me. What is my suffering and how I deal with it. What I prefer not to see and hide from the world and from me.

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(works of art by the Filipino artist Jordan Mang-osan)

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I have observed my weaknesses.

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The fears ; the impatience ; the being in my mind ; the difficulty to be grounded, to totally inhabit my body and deeply feel, sense ; the ups and down of my energy ; the addiction to sugar (if I do not eat something sweet at the end of a meal, there is no peace of mind in me : I’ll be looking for something sweet !).

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The part of myself that is lying and pretending ; the orientation toward outstanding result and being an interesting person as the only way I could be loved ; the disastrous sense of direction ; the sense of despair whenever I am ill – I feel this is the end of the world, and it seems to me that I have lost my energy FOREVER.

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The eagerness to anticipate, control, want certain kind of things to happen to me and resist others ; the resistance to the possibility of long-term joy, bliss, happiness – it is too good to be true, and it won’t last ; the usurper syndrom – « so you call yourself a coach, and you are not even able to deal with this very simple situation in your life ? Julia, this is ridiculous ».

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And now, as I want to go on creating my life in a free and responsible way, I face many new challenges !

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I often feel idealistic, and struggle with transforming my ideas into actions – in this moment of my life I often feel that I lack the inner container of yang energy to allow my endless creative yin energy to find boundaries and be transformed into materialized projects ; being my own « boss » and having no one I am accountable to, except me, challenges my ability to be disciplined.

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I hate down-to-earth, administrative constraints, and yet it is part of the path ; I often feel that I am either too tough with myself, or too self-indulgent ; I still judge myself for being too impatient, and not achieving enough ; I still often find it hard to make the right decisions about how to use my time and energy and talent in the best way.

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Even if I am much more present and mindful, I think too much, I think too much, I think too much ; and in the midst of all this, I want to create and protect space for pure being, for expressing the purposeless lightness in me, to celebrate the sheer joy of existing.

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The only way towards achieving what I dream of with a state of inner peace is to welcome what is, with an observer position. Accept with kindness, and be with all this, with patience (and that’s so hard !). And then start loving who I am, which includes all this.

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I have understood that it made me fully human to go through this, and that through this I am connected to each human being.

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The never-ending path towards myself

I feel that little step by little step, I dared more. I peeled off layers, as an onion. I became less and less limited by fear. I become more and more free and authentic.

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And now is the time to continue the journey within. Now is the time for integration. Exploring it all around outside in the world was useful and powerful. And now is the time for me to go in and deeper. To continue the journey exploring what is the genuine freedom and meaningful contribution I want for my life.

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Now is the time to come back home and start sharing my gifts. Now that I have polished my soul, a little more. And what I will be able to give and create now as a coach is the amazing unique result of an alchemy transformation. I let life transform me, I invite, honor and celebrate all the alchemical magic of it.

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It is a whole new blank page I am creating now. Starting from scratch. Creating my business a an integral coach and talent developer. And I feel quite comfortable with not knowing what will happen. I trust – I could never have felt this way a year ago.

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I have found inner peace, and I let joy be my guide. Let’s not be too serious about life.

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So what I want to share with you is that yes, it is frightening to step into the unknown. But I have experienced that there’s a way to imagine and manifest our path little step by little step, with the right support around ourselves, creating conditions for stretching our possibilities in a way that is comfortable. And then, the magic happens.

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And when it has started, it never ends.

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What’s next ?

I choose Paris for now as my « base ».

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I am doing my Integral Coaching training in San Francisco where I travel regularly.

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I am creating my own company – I am currently working both on the administrative part and the website – the name is not clear yet, I am still waiting for inspiration.

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I coach entrepreneurs, leaders and changemakers to help them develop clarity, focus and serenity in their life. I also work with CEOs and founders of startups to help them deal with HR development issues.

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This is the last article of this blog, and I will soon make a book out of it. For me, and then for those who it may inspire.

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My last words are words of immense gratitude. I want to say T H A N K Y O U to the simple and wonderful beings who helped me prepare for this journey, to those I met all along the path.

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This is an end and these are new beginnings…

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the lifelab project

Explore. Connect. Experiment.