I had a crush ! – the hardship of making choice

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I had a crush on the enchanting little town of Luang Prabang, in Lao.

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After my friends Laurie and Marion left, I decided to stay here in Luang Prabang instead of continuing my journey to Myanmar, as I had planned.

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But the process of making the decision was not that easy…

Actually, I went through a hard time because I did not know what to do, what I wanted ! I felt lost.

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Should I go… ? Should I stay… ?

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I really identified that making choices and decisions was really hard for me. Being on my own and totally free, I can do whatever I want and sometimes I am totally lost not knowing what I want.

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(I know, these are extremely critical life issues… !!)

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I had dreamt of visiting Myanmar for a very long time. Being in Lao, I was very close to the country. I had planned to go there for 2 weeks. I had my visa. I felt very attracted by this country.

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And in the same time, I was feeling so good in Luang Prabang.

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I felt so sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere of the town, to its beauty. I was fascinated by the temples at every corner, the statues of Buddha and the stupas, the sounds of the monks playing drum and chanting mantras.

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I was charmed by the singing of the birds. I loved walking in the charming authentic streets and seing monks all around. I loved the cosy cafés, and little restaurants.

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I loved the garden/restaurant/bar Utopia and the yoga classes on the deck just above the Nam Khan river.

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Besides, I have a really bad sense of direction and the town is quite small so I manage to find my way easily – a REAL advantage for me !

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Until know, the decisions I have made have been evidences – even if sometimes, it may take a little while.

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Usually, when I have to make a choice, I think about all possibilities, and then I stop thinking about it. I let things decant and settle while I am doing something else.

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And some time later, the choice appears naturally – usually while I do yoga or meditation.

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But this time I felt stuck.

I knew I would take a flight for the Philippines around 2 weeks later. But I did not know if I wanted to stay or go.

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And I was feeling stupid not to be able to make a choice !

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I decided to stay in Luang Prabang one more day, to take my time.

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I had to change guesthouse because my guesthouse was full.

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I went to a place very close and took the first room. As I was lost I did not feel very good and I settled in a room with no window – it was very cheap and for one night. But still…

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Looking back, now, I really think that I was crazy to choose this horrible room !

Because it was also not very clean, I had only one sheet and had to fight to get another one, and ended up helping myself in the sheets cupboard in the middle of the night because the lady had given me a very small and unadapted sheet which was not even really clean !

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So I slept very badly and felt like Harry Potter in the broom closet. There was a smell of dust and humidity. I thought : tomorrow, my priority is to get out of this horrible place !

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What a nightmare !

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I really experience that as I was not feeling that good, it became like a vicious circle : I was feeling less confident, I had less energy, I felt less optimistic and faithful, I was not as determined and intuitive as usual, so I was taking less good decisions… that did not help me to feel better – sleeping in the broom closet at least gave me this energy to get out from there !

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I knew what I should do but it took me some time to actually do it :

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Go to yoga class at Utopia and share with great advisors.

I ended up doing so.

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I talked to one of my mentors who helped me a lot through maieutics and experience sharing. She suggested to me questions to reflect on : how do I feel ? what do I need right now ?

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She underlined that, as I was alone, I was the only one who could take care of me. So she asked me : how can you best take care of you right now ?

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Then I talked to my parents.

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And then quite naturally, one day later, the answer appeared.

I did not feel ready to start discovering a new country while I felt that I was barely starting to understand Lao.

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I felt like staying in a place where I felt great, creating a daily routine here.

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I wanted to write and read and do yoga.

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So I decided that I would be living in Luang Prabang for a little while.

So I decided that I would surround myself with beauty for the days to come. So I decided that this spiritual and vibrating atmosphere would become my everyday environment for a little while.

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So I decided that I would stay in a guesthouse just 2 minutes away from Utopia, so that this place I liked would be like my garden, and that I could jump from my bed to join the yoga class every morning.

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So I decided that I would settle my « office » in some cafés I liked. Utopia, Indigo, JoMa along the Nam Khan river, Le Banneton at breakfast time.

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I also decided to leave for 2 days of navigation on the Mekong.

I had done it with the girls and I had experienced great emotions contemplating the wild nature all around for hours.

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To me, this journey to Pakbeng (spending a night there) and back totally embodied the idea of being detached about the destination/ result. It was all about enjoying the path.

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Exactly what is usually hard to do in my normal life. I was there on the boat just to be here and enjoy the landscape.

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I participated to a cooking class.

At this class – which was really nice, we went to the market and learned how to cook classic Lao recipes – I met a group of French friends. We took the boat together the first day.

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We spent the dinner together and shared a room in a guesthouse in Pakbeng.

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The day after, they continued towards the North and I went back to Luang Prabang – I was of course the only crazy girl doing this ! 😉

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It was sad to say goodbye to them !

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Travelling on my own over a long period, I observe that this kind of life is made of many mournings.

I discover wonderful places, I live experiences there, I meet nice people, and then, I leave the place and the people.

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I am really thinking I could not do this forever !

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Sometimes, I feel lonely. But most of the time, I feel happy and free.

I learn a lot about all the nuances and subtleness of being a human being…

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Living this way also allows me to become very aware about how my level of energy evolves.

Sometimes, even during several days in a row, I feel that I have no energy ! I try not to worry too much, and learn to accept it, and be faithful with the fact that my energy will come back (my natural reaction would be to panic thinking that my energy is gone forever… !).

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One day, it rained all day and I was feeling so tired, I stayed in my bed until 4pm… I was very hungry then.

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I was thinking to myself : « What are you doing, doing nothing, in your bed ! ». But I could not get up. No energy.

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In these moments I really see how having people around you and activities planned in life (like… a job !) helps getting motivation and energy.

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So I am getting to know myself better and learning to adapt my activities to my level of energy.

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Globally, I feel that it was easier to imagine the ideal lifelab project while I was preparing it…

Even if, at that time, I sometimes felt impatient.

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While living it, it is less easy.

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I feel much less strong than when I was preparing it. But I think that it’s normal.

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And in the same time I feel so happy to be living this, to have transformed the ideas, the dream into reality.

Yesterday, I arrived to Luang Prabang around 4pm after my 2 days on the Mekong. I had the feeling to be coming back home !

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I knew where I was going. I knew how things worked.

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I jumped in a tuktuk – knowing the price, no negotiation issue -, got back to my guesthouse, put on my yoga clothes and took my mat, ran to Utopia, reached the deck just above the river where the class was starting.

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For the first time I was going to the evening class.

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The sun sets in the middle of the class and we end the class in the dark, with candles – and a lot of anti-mosquito lotion.

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It was a real moment of happiness – my body was delighted after 2 days sitting in a boat !

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I am thinking about two quotes right now.

One by Henry James : « It is time to start living the life you’ve imagined »

And the other by Saint-Augustin : « Avance sur ta route car elle n’existe que par ta marche » – I could not find the translation on internet, I would say : « Go forward on your path because it exists only through the steps you make »

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This experience is far from being easy all the time. But it is magic to feel that I am where I want to be, I do what I want to do.

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I choose, I decide – even if sometimes it is quite challenging !

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And I learn to adapt to whatever happens and creating the path step by step brings along so many surprises…

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So here is my question to you : what is the life you imagine for yourself and what prevents you to get closer to it ?

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Adresses in Luang Prabang !

Phongphilack guesthouse – if you want Utopia to be your garden

Utopia – of course !

Le Banneton – for delicious breakfasts !

L’Etranger Books and Films – very good food and every night they broadcast a movie

JoMa along the Nam Khan river (wifi, café latte, and the veggie wraps)

For massage : Sabie Sabie Grand Spa (on the main street where there is the night market)

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the lifelab project

Explore. Connect. Experiment.