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I am travelling in Kerala with my family right now. Yesterday we took the car to go from Munnar tea plantations to the beach – Kerala is breathtakingly beautiful.
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…In the car, we started speaking about fear. About the fact that fear prevents us to do so many things.
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My mother shared an anecdote with us.
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In our last family gathering, my two grandmothers were at my parents’ place. One of my grandmother saw a big and beautiful book on a shelf. It was the Titouan Lamazou book showing portraits of women of the world. My mother took it and gave it to her so that she could have a look at it.
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She looked at it and went into ecstasies. She said : « Ohh, this is so beautiful, this is really extraordinary ! »
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Then my other grandmother took the book. She looked at it, then she closed it. And she said : « We have to be careful. If this book falls on the feet, it will hurt. »
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Same book. Same situation. Two different ways of looking at things. (Note : my two grandmothers had different lives and have different personalities – both are amazing in their own way !).
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Life is a matter of perceptions. We can see either obstacles and threats, or wonders and opportunities – and we actually need both ways of looking at life.
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It is not always easy to change the conditions of our lives. But it is totally possible for each one of us to choose the way we look at them and react to them.
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Last September, I left Paris to spend a month in Seoul.
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I knew nobody there. I did not know the country.
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Later on, I would spend several months in Asia.
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I had no idea about when I would come back to France. I had ideas about where I would spend time in Asia but it was not so precise.
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There were so many things I could not control.
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I was feeling afraid. I was experiencing fear.
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I think we mainly fear the unknown – so much so that human beings usually prefer to remain in a bad situation rather than (take the risk to) change for the unknown.
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The unknown seems terrifying.
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And indeed, here are some of the fears I had when I was preparing my project and before leaving :
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What if I am sick ? As I am alone, who will take care of me ?
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…What if I eat or drink something bad and get an illness for all the rest of my life ?
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…What if there is a typhoon and I get injured or die ?
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What if a mosquito bites me and I get malaria or dengue ? What if a dog bites me and I get rabies ?
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What if my back hurts, I will be so far away from my wonderful physiotherapist (kiné in French) who knows me by heart ? What’s the point of being on the other side of the world if my back hurts and I cannot do anything !
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What if I lose (ALL) my belongings – my laptop, my iphone, my credit card, my passport… ?
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What if I get mugged (agressée) ?
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How will I find my way in the streets on my own in all the different places where I will go ? – as my sense of direction is absolutely terrible (my friends and family know that well !)
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…What if I don’t have the right clothes for the weather in all the places where I will go ? And I will have to ALWAYS wear the same clothes !!
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Will I meet nice people ? What if I feel lonely ?
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…I want to live experiences that will allow me to use my talent to have a positive impact on the world : what if I don’t manage to do this ? I need to find the perfect path !! There are so many possibilities, how can I make a decision and choose ? It is too hard !
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I want to become a coach, but what is my legitimacy for that ? Who am I to decide that I have the qualities and potential to be a good coach ? I am too young to be a coach !
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It’s terrible, I will spend all my money ! (Very big fear !)
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One day, while I was still working in my company, maybe 2 months before leaving, I was feeling stressed and tired. I was at work and at lunchtime we had a conference about sustainable performance. There was an amazing consultant and coach – a former high level sportsperson – who was speaking. He was full of energy and passion and drive. All he said was very relevant and intelligent.
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As I was seeing him and listening to him, I could not help feeling the contrast between how I was feeling and how I perceived that he was feeling.
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I felt overwhelmed by so much energy ! I came back to my office and I was feeling so weak. I had pain in my stomach. I started to cry ! I went to speak with one of my colleagues.
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We shared about the fact that I was experiencing fear. And that it was totally normal. Most of the time, preparing my project was very exciting – meeting people, imagining all possibilities… But as the D day was getting closer, fears and stress were appearing.
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Now, on this journey, I am learning ways to overcome my fears.
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I am learning to tame (apprivoiser) them.
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I feel that it is important to learn to overcome one’s fear, because while we feel less fear, we feel more confident and make a step towards who we are more authentically, who we want to be, what we really want to do. We feel more lightness in our life. We feel more freedom in our life. Life seems more simple. Our horizon becomes wider and wider.
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…So here are some of my recipes…
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1/ Looking at my fear, listening to my fear and what it has to tell me
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…I am regularly aware of and careful about how I am feeling. As I am living this experience on my own, I am the only one who can take care of me. And my inner state determines every single moment I am experiencing and living.
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So when I feel that I do not feel good, I stop for a moment and identify what’s wrong. I know that my fear is useful and I try to understand the message.
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I use what I have learnt during my Non Violent Communication training : from the way I feel, I try to understand what my needs are.
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I am responsible for the way I feel ; I am responsible for answering the needs that I have to feel good.
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And I try to take action to take care of my needs.
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When I feel fear, I also try to remind that fear is a perception. Fear is a fiction created by my mind. I think about the quote by Mark Twain : « I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. »
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2/ Welcoming my fear and accepting to feel fear
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I accept to feel fear, I try not to judge myself, I try to be kind to myself.
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I think about what my mother said one day when I was speaking with her telling her that I was afraid.
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She told me : « Julia, it’s totally normal that you are afraid. I would be worried if on the contrary you were not afraid at all » – it had been so heartwarming for me to hear this from her !
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I am learning to accept my weaknesses. To accept that I am not perfect and that I will never be. And I am understanding that it is actually a wonderful strength. I feel much more human.
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…And I experience that as I am more kind to myself, I develop more kindness towards others. As I am learning to judge myself less, I judge others less.
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It is really a process of unlearning and deprogramming habits and reflexes. It takes time.
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3/ Trying to clarify what I fear
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When I identify that I feel fear, I try to transform « the unknown » into more concrete realities.
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I ask myself : « What am I afraid of exactly ? ». As I mentioned already, fears are creations of our imagination. So I take the time to calm down and make a list of what I am afraid of (either in my mind or a written one). Usually, transforming hazy fears in more concrete issues really helps me to feel less afraid.
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…4/ Dividing the fear mountain in small steps
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When I see the mountain, I feel I will never reach the top. When I see the next rock 500 meters away, I feel that I can make it.
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…One after another I take into consideration each issue and try to find possible solutions and scenarii, action plans, and ways to reassure me.
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Sometimes it is just about realizing that there is actually no reason to feel fear. Sometimes I contact people for advise or help. Sometimes it is about planning / organization / anticipation.
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5/ Living the present moment
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I try to live mindfully. I have understood that I was spending far too much time thinking about the future.
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I was spending a lot of time :
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- thinking about what I would do later (tomorrow, next week, next month, when I come back…)
- imagining all the possible ways I would do it and trying to find what was the best one (most efficient, quickest, …)
- anticipating possible problems and how I would react to them
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And during all this time, I was not at all enjoying the present moment ! And I totally miss all the wonderful surprises life brings when I control much less, and go with the flow.
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So now, whenever I find myself thinking about something that can be taken care of later, I think to myself « I do not need to worry about this now, I will take time to do it later (tomorrow, next week..) ». I usually write it on a to-do list so as to calm my mind.
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6/ Choosing faith and trust over fear
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Globally, I can say that over the last year I have developed an approach of life based on faith and trust VS fear. I have chosen to believe that life and people will be good to me. I use my emotional intelligence and follow my intuition. Both guide me towards the right place, people, situations. This journey is a great moment to test my intuition, take measured risks and see what happens. It is not always easy, and I know that I need to feel good and grounded to do this.
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…5/ I dare / I dive into it !
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Sometimes I know that I am afraid to do something, but I know I want to do it, or I need to do it.
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So I think about Josiane Balasko character in the French movie Les Bronzés font du ski (The tanned guys go skying, if I translate 🙂 ). She is afraid of skiing, but she still dares to go : she says that she is afraid, and then she dives into it. Just before descending the slope, she shouts : « J’y vais mais j’ai peur ! ». « I am going, but I am afraid ! ». And the way she says it is really funny…
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Acknowledging my fear and making the parallel with this scene of the movie helps me as I use humour and things seem much less dramatic (and maybe I feel less lonely !).
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There is also another movie scene I think of in the moments when I have to do something that impresses me.
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It is in the American movie We bought a zoo. In one of the scenes, the main character – Matt Damon – walks in the street, passes by a café, and he sees a charming woman sitting inside.
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He seems really struck by her beauty and wants to speak to her. But he is afraid.
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So he says to himself : « Ok, you only need 5 seconds of courage » (or something like that).
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And it is true that usually, the moments we fear most are very short. Once we are started, things flow much more easily !
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So here is my mantra against fear : « J’y vais mais j’ai peur ! Allez, 5 secondes de courage ! » / « I am going, but I am afraid ! Ok, you only need 5 seconds of courage ».
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Fear & the inner child
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I started writing this article a few days ago. Now my parents left and I am spending a few days in the Kerala jungle, in a bird sanctuary called Thattekkad. I came here before going back to the Philippines. I wanted to spend a few days on my own, in a peaceful place where I can read and write.
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My mother had brought with her the book Reconciliation : healing the inner child by Thich Nhat Hanh – this Vietnamese spiritual master who founded Plum Village monastery close to Saint-Emilion.
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I started reading it – I had heard about it when I was in Plum Village in August but I had not taken the time to read it.
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It is about how to heal sufferings that we have – relating them to the sufferings that our inner child experienced in the past.
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This afternoon, sitting on the terrasse of my lovely Jungle Bird guesthouse, surrounded by birdsong, I read passages dealing with fear and I connected it to what I had started to write.
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…In this book Thich Nhat Hanh provides an understanding of fear, and shares wise recommandations about how to deal with our fear.
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« Initial fear, initial desire »
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Thich Nhat Hanh says : « Our fear was born when we were born ». He explains that when we were in our mother’s womb, we felt very safe. And suddenly, we were born. At the very first moments when we had to breathe by ourselves, we experienced a great fear. A fear of dying. And in the very same time, we experienced the desire to survive. We were helpless and depended on others to survive.
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The desire to survive got connected to the need of others, to the desire of others helping us.
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These are the initial fear and initial desire. And today, although we have grown up and are adults, we still have within ourselves the initial fear – we fear to be abandoned – and the initial desire – we still have the feeling that we we need someone else to survive.
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We feel that we need someone to help us and protect us, as if we were not able to protect ourselves autonomously.
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And then Thich Nhat Hanh says something that I found really interesting : he expresses that if we examine each of our desire and expectations in life, they are connected to the initial desire.
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He says (I translate from French) : « It is precisely because we have not identified the desire of our inner child that our current desires are impossible to satisfy. »
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And he gives examples : we want a new job, new clothes, more money, different relationships… and yet in the end, when we get them, we never reach real long-lasting satisfaction. We always have new desires, we are insatiable.
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Calming our fears through reassuring the inner child
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Later in the book, Thich Nhat Hanh suggests a way to deal with our fears through reassuring the inner child within us.
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He suggests to spend 5 to 10 minutes each day to spend time with the 5 years old little girl or boy that we were, and who is still within us. This little girl or boy suffered a lot and was not well equipped to protect herself/himself and deal with the suffering.
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So we can talk to our inner child. Here are the words by Thich Nhat Hanh – again, I translate from French :
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« My beloved little brother, my dear little sister, I know that you are suffering. You are my inner child and I am also you. Now, we have grown up ; so don’t be afraid anymore, we are safe now. We are able to protect ourselves. Come with me and let’s live what the present moment offers to us. Don’t let the past imprison us anymore. Come, take my hand, let’s walk together and enjoy each step. »
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In the book, Thich Nhat Hanh shares a way to deal with our fears whenever we feel it raising within ourselves.
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1/ Become aware of the presence of fear within ourselves
2/ Set the intention not to run away from our fear – which is a classic and normal reaction
3/ Act in an appropriate way when experiencing fear, thanks to mindfulness – acting with kindness, acceptance and compassion
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According to him, mindfulness is the path of transformation for all our sufferings – including fear.
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Stretching one’s comfort zone to achieve one’s dreams
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I shared with you some insights about overcoming fears. Going along my path in this lifelab project, I feel that I am indeed learning to deal with my fears more easily. My fears prevent me less and less to be who I want to be, to do what I would like to do. Even if I know I will always be challenged by fears… it is a path.
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Once I have said that, I would like to conclude underlining that what matters most is the higher purpose.
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The question is :
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« What do I want to achieve in my life that makes it worthy to go ahead on this path of overcoming my fears ? What do I need to be happier, and are there fears that prevent me to do so ? »
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Here is a quote that I like by Paulo Coelho, which relates to exploration … and facing the unknown :
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« A boat is safe in the harbour. But this is not the purpose of a boat. »
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Note : the pictures of painting in this article were taken on the terrasse-studio of the Filippino artist Jordan Mang Osan.
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